Jack's Drinking Problem
by INTYFOOYOO
Summary: Jack has a drinking problem. Everyone knows that. But what will happen when his friends start a futile attempt to try and get him to quit? FUNNY! PLEASE READ!
1. Hiiiiiiiiii Jack!

Jack's Drinking Problem  
  
Disclaimer: Wait, do I REALLY have to write this?! Everyone here already knows that I don't own Pirates of the Caribbean or any of the characters(but if I did....MUAHAHAHAHA!). A disclaimer is unnecessary, really (like Jack's shirt). Er... O_O; did I just say that out loud? *slaps wrists* Bad me! Bad me!  
  
This story is also one of my comics! YAY!  
  
Rated "PG-13" because it sounds better than just "PG", and because there is constant drinking, mild swearing, and mild violence. Yay violence! XP  
  
And be sure to check out all of my other shi—er, stories! The Kidnapping of Mr. Sparrow, and William Turner: Girlyman. Both are humor, as is this one, and also based on my comics! Woot! Indulge on my stories! YAHAHA! (Wow, I'm really hyper when I'm sick... *cough-cough* I have a cold... bleh.)  
  
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Jack was lying about, hanging off of his rickety chair and staring at the ceiling. Did I also mention that he was incredibly drunk? He lifted his 5th, er...6th, I mean, 7th, Wait. I don't know; I lost count a long time ago. Anyway, he lifted his umpteenth bottle of rum to his lips and took a long swig. Setting the now empty bottle down, he wiped his sleeve across his face and reached for another one. He only had a few sips when a loud knock came to the door of the dark captain's quarters.  
  
He tried to ignore it and lifted the bottle, but the knock banged again. "Jack?" a voice called from the other side of the heavy oak door.  
  
He groaned and stood up. "I'm comin'!" He slurred angrily as he stumbled over to the door.  
  
He opened it but quickly had second thoughts, and lifted his hand over his eyes. "Wha...? Arg... too bright, bloody sun." He squinted and tried to cover the sun from his blood-shot eyes and flushed face. "What the 'ell are you all doin' 'ere?"  
  
Will, Elizabeth and the entire crew of the Black Pearl were all standing outside his room and looking at him as he stood in the doorway.  
  
"Jack; Elizabeth, the crew, and I are concerned about you." Will said.  
  
"Abou' me?" He asked sleepily.  
  
"Aye, Jack." Gibbs answered. "'Bout yer drinking problem"  
  
Jack stared at Gibbs for a moment, letting the statement permeate through his mind. His face twisted up a bit and, "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Jack burst out laughing. "Good 'un Gibbs!" He roared, slapping his first mate on the back. "Drinking problem? Me? HA!" He wiped away a tear of amusement.  
  
Gibbs looked over at Will for help but he just shrugged. Elizabeth stepped up to the intoxicated pirate to try.  
  
"No really, Jack. We ARE worried about your drinking habits." Will watched, sweating with jealousy.  
  
"Oh really?" Jack quirked a questioning, seductive eyebrow at her. "You're worried 'bout me too Ms. Swan? Er—Mrs. Turner, I mean."  
  
"Yes, Jack. WE are worried about you." Will ran up and snatched Elizabeth way, baring his teeth at Jack. "You do have a drinking problem whether you'll admit it or not, and WE want you to quit." He put an extra emphasis on the 'we's to indicate to him that they were an item.  
  
"SQUAWK! Hoist in the sails!" Cotton's parrot squawked.  
  
"Cotton's right, Jack." Gibbs said. "We need to take you to APA."  
  
"NO, not APA! Anything but that!" Jack bit his nails fearfully. He turned to run away (to god knows where. They were on the bloody ship!) "ACK, NO! Not APA! You can't make me!" Anamaria shot her hand out and held a death- grip on his shoulder.  
  
"Oh no you don't Jack." She hissed.  
  
"Arg! Nails!" He could feel her nails tighten on his collar. She threw him down (or at least that's what he tells everybody, he really tripped over his own feet in the struggle) and tried to subdue him. As he was being dragged away he shouted and cried in fury, shaking his fist, "No! you can't do this to me! I'm your captain! I order you to release me! I won't go! Please don't make me! WAAAAAH! MOMMY!!"  
  
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The building the size of a large pub stood in between 'The Drunken Sword Fish' tavern and 'Boars Breath' pub had a large sign nailed to the front of it. The big letters read, 'APA' and in smaller letters underneath it said, 'Alcoholic Pirate's Anonymous'.  
  
A nervous young man with dusty blonde hair, sideburns, and had a black strip of cloth tied around his head, who was new to the class, just like Jack, stood behind a wooden podium and said shakily. "Uh... hello. My name is Ahab and—"  
  
"Hi Ahab!" The room chorused. Jack wasn't expecting this and nearly leapt out of his seat in alarm.  
  
"Er, hi..." He chuckled. "And um, I'm a recovering alcoholic. I haven't consumed any alcohol for the past three weeks."  
  
The entire room broke out into a loud sea of applause and woots and cheers. He shakily took his seat, smiling and kept his head down. Everyone was still clapping.  
  
/These people are all nuts!/ Jack concluded, he kept his arms crossed across his lap. The woman running the class had pointy glasses (you know, the ones that are sort of shaped like tear drops and the points point out?), her dark brown hair was tied up in a flawless bun, she was wearing a black dress and holding a clip board where she took notes.  
  
She cheerfully said, "Mr. Sparrow? Would you like to go next?"  
  
"Captain!" He corrected. "It's Captain Jack Sparrow, and no I would not like to go next!"  
  
Her smile disappeared and she reached her leg up and kicked the back of his chair, causing him to tip over and forcing him to stand up. "Ack!"  
  
"Everyone," she announced. "CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow would like to go next!"  
  
"Ok, ok! I'm going!" He stormed over to the podium and glared at everyone before he started. "Fine. My name is CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow. Captain! Don't ferget it! And I had a pint of my favorite rum last night, and two pints this morning! I'm leaving and going to one of the pubs next door, and nobody better try an' stop me, savvy?" He walked over to the door and was sure to slam it loudly as he left.  
  
The doctor stood up and seethed at his insolent behavior. The entire class was quiet. Then the broke out into applause! She whirled around and screeched, "KNOCK THAT OFF!" and everyone was then quiet.  
  
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HUZZA!!!! New story! This might be the last one for a short while because I haven't come up with anything lately! But I'm pretty sure the next one after this is going to be the sequel to 'The Kidnapping of Mr. Sparrow', so be sure an' read it, savvy? Jeez, me and my shameless pimping of my own stories... This one is going to be three chapters methinks, so look out for two more! Please Review! Thanks! 


	2. You tricked me!

Well, you clicked on this for no reason. There is no story here, nor will there ever be. I'm going to delete all of them and never return to fanfiction.net ever again............  
  
APRIL FOOLS!!!  
  
Did I scare ya? Huh, huh?  
  
YAY! ANOTHER CHAPTER!!! I would like to say that the 'APA' idea belongs to one of mah friends. I was originally going to do just 'AA' but she said "Hey, why don't you do Alcoholic PIRATES Anonymous." And I was like, "OK." So there you go. Kudos to you Lora for the spiffy idea! *Whistles the starburst tune* (If any of you got that inside joke-thingy, I'd just like to let you know that you're a really big dork! :P lol.)  
  
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Sitting in a dark corner of 'The Drunken Swordfish's tavern at a small table, leaning against one arm and his head in his hand, Jack sighed discouragedly. He said, "the usual please," to the waitress who had come up to take his order. Closing his eyes he recalled angrily what had happened earlier that day. /I can't believe the are making me do this! They betrayed me! How dare they! I'm Captain Jack Sparrow! They can't do this! I'm the terror of the seven bloody seas!/ The waitress placed the mug on the table and Jack looked down at it with a relieved expression. /Well, at least I still have me rum.../ He picked it up and took a long drink from it, his thoughts elsewhere so he failed to hear the jingling of the bells that rang when the pub door was opened. He didn't hear the foot steps approaching and only realized someone was there when they slammed their hand down onto the table forcefully, causing a big sound and announcing their presence.  
  
"SO Jack!" Will said loudly and quickly, "How's APA goin' for ya?"  
  
Scaring the living daylights out of Jack, he sprayed some of the rum out of his mouth, and choked on the rest.  
  
Jack coughed into his fist while he spoke in a hoarsed voice. "*cough- cough* Don't--*cough* don't SCARE me like that! *cough-cough*" he tried to hiss through coughing fits.  
  
Will looked down at the ominous looking liquid in Jack's mug. Knowing full well what it really was he asked, "Jack? What is that? It better not be rum..."  
  
"Uh... it's um...apple juice?" He said as more of a question than an answer.  
  
"Well then, I'm sure you won't mind if I have some, since it's just apple juice, right?" Will said smugly, reaching for the cup.  
  
"Well, actually, I um...I..." Jack stuttered, trying to think of an excuse. He leapt up and waved his arms frantically. "WILL! Wait stop! Don't drink it!"  
  
Will stopped, it was almost at his mouth, but lowered it back down again, still holding on. "What? Why not?" He narrowed his eyes suspiciously at Jack. "If it's just apple juice, why can't I drink it?"  
  
Jack nervously looked around for another excuse to get him to not drink it. This was too much stress for the poor pirate! His mind couldn't function properly.  
  
"Because!...ah, erm... it's...uh..." He had a brilliant idea! Well, it seemed brilliant to him at the time, anyway. He reached his hand up and smacked the rum out of Will's hand, spilling it all over the floor. "Oh! Look at that Will! Ya spilled it you clumsy boy!"  
  
Will glared daggers at him, his eyes now mere slits. Jack laughed nervously and grinned with exaggerated airs. "Heheheheh... let me go get ya another one..." and he quickly scurried off. Will sat down at the table and watched him leave. And he really did leave. Will drummed his fingers on the table in annoyance as he watched his pirate friend try to slyly slip out the front door and watched him silently curse to himself when the bells jingled and he ran off. Will sighed. /Idiot./ he thought. He smacked himself on the forehead and groaned, standing up, he made way to go after Jack.  
  
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Jack walked down an alley and praised himself on his success of losing Will. Jack chuckled snidely looking behind him to see that Will was indeed not there. "Heh heh heh... Will thought he'd tricked me! But not ol' Jack! I'm the one who did the tricking, that I did. Now I'm gonna go back to the Black—"  
  
SHING!  
  
"Ook!" Jack stopped abruptly in his tracks, staring at the point of a sword that was only a few centimeters away from his face.  
  
"Jack. You ARE going to APA," Will said in a dangerous tone, "whether you like it or not."  
  
Jack clasped his hands together and said in a pleading voice, "Please, my dear William, don't take away me rum. Taking away me rum is like, like... taking Elizabeth or Blacksmithing away from YOU."  
  
/Elizabeth?!/ Will thought, lowering his weapon at this sudden mental attack.  
  
Jack put his head down and sniffed slightly, his eyes beginning to tear up.  
  
Will put a hand on Jack's shoulder sympathetically. "Jack, I know this is hard for you but it's for the best. We're just trying to help. Surely you know that."  
  
"*sniff* I know m'boy, I know..." Jack looked up and gave Will a feeble smile. "I 'spose I better be going to that meeting now, eh?"  
  
"Yes, I suppose. You're doing the right thing, Jack."  
  
Jack turned to walk away. "Yeah, an' I realize that now, thanks ta you an' th' crew."  
  
"We're just trying to be good friends to you." Will reassured him.  
  
"Bless ya lad, bless ya." Jack said. He stopped, his back still to Will. "But, before I go," he said solemnly, "can I tell you something?"  
  
"Of course Jack! Anything!" Will said, pleased that Jack trusted him.  
  
Jack spun around and drew his sword, pointing it at Will. "THAT YOU WILL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE, BOYO!" He yelled, delighted that he had tricked Will for the second time that night.  
  
/What?!/ Will thought, outraged. "So this was all just a big act, then?" He asked sadly. He looked hurt. He had fallen prey to one of Jack's pranks yet again.  
  
"Aye!" Jack radiated with self-satisfaction.  
  
"I thought you were telling the truth..." Will's voice cracked and he quickly turned to the side so Jack couldn't see him.  
  
Jack lowered his weapon and asked awkwardly, "Er... you en't gonna get all emotional, now are ye?"  
  
Will closed his eyes tightly. "I honestly thought you had changed, Jack..." He sat down hard on one of the crates in the alley and covered his face with his hands. "God! I can't believe I was so stupid!"  
  
Jack sat on his knees on the ground, next to him and put a comforting hand on his shoulder. "Don't be so 'ard on yerself, lad! It's all right. Many 'ave been tricked by me! No need t' fret! You're wastin' too much brine o'er it! It's alright!"  
  
Will wiped his sleeve across his nose and gave a dramatic sniff.  
  
"Everyfthing'll turn out! I know it will!"  
  
"You really think so?" Will asked, muffled by his own hands.  
  
"Most definitely." Jack said cheerily.  
  
Will made his move. Quickly snatching up his sword, he shoved a shocked Jack backwards to the ground, sat on his lap (to subdue him and keep him from moving people! This isn't a slash fic! I know that that was running through your little minds, so just wanted to clarify it!), and pointed his sword at Jack's throat. This all happened in a fraction of a second. "Good," Will panted, "because I think so too! Like I said Jack, you WILL be going to those meetings!"  
  
Jack had his hands up and eyes wide. He breathlessly asked, "B-b-but Will! How?! How did you manage to trick me?!"  
  
"The answer is quite simple really..."  
  
"Oh yeah? How so?"  
  
Will leaned into Jack so closely that the loose strands of hair that fell out of Will's ponytail tickled Jack's face. He could feel his breath warm on him. "Because mate," He explained, "I'm William Turner. Savvy?" He concluded with a deviant smile, rebellion glinted in the boy's eyes.  
  
"That's my line..." Jack croaked. He slowly reached for his sword that was a few feet away, feeling blindly for it's familiar looped hilt.  
  
THOK!  
  
Will's sword was thrown in between his fingers into the center of the loop, pinning it to the ground. Jack jerked his hand back and looked at it, making sure that all of his fingers were still there.  
  
Will leaned back a bit, still sitting on Jack and crossed his arms. He smirking at him. "You didn't really think I was going to let get your sword, did you?" he asked Jack as if he was asking a small child.  
  
"Alright! Alright!" Jack spat defeatedly. "You win! Now get offa me!" Will did get up and offered Jack a hand up as well. He took it but looked at the ground sadly. "I guess you finally beat me, eh?"  
  
"Of course!"  
  
"At least you did it in a far more civil way than that Elizabeth girl. Stupid, rum burning wench." He grumbled. "But how can that be? I mean, I'm Captain Jack Sparrow, for god's sakes! I don't understand!"  
  
Will held a warning finger up to Jack. "Now let's not start that again!"  
  
"Damn, It was worth a try though." Jack said innocently.  
  
"Alright, let's go!" Will forcefully spun Jack around and shoved him roughly forwards.  
  
"Hey! Easy wifth the shovin' there, mate!"  
  
"Don't care, keep walking!" Will said in a very authoritative voice and shoved him forward again.  
  
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The door to the APA class banged open. Everyone in the class turned sharply to see what was there.  
  
Will, holding on to the back of Jack's vest, addressed the doctor. "I'll come pick him up at 8.00 when the class is over. Here ya go!" Will literally threw Jack inside.  
  
Jack fell to the ground and skidded to a halt on his face. This wasn't what he had planned. Starting to pick himself up, he grunted, "Erf... 'ow dare 'e fthrow the cap'n round like that! Ooh... he'll pay dearly for this he will." His face was now successfully peeled from the smooth wood floor. His hair was messed up and he had a large red floor burn on the side of his face. He looked up. "Eh?"  
  
The doctor stared down at him, a menacing gleam shimmered on her diamond studded spectacles. Her hands were on her hips and Jack could practically see fire billowing around her, and horns sprout from her head.  
  
"Welcome back Mr. Sparrow," She grinned in a dangerously low, yet amused tone.  
  
Jack was in pure terror. "OH GODS!!!" he yelped.  
  
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NYAHAHAHAHAHA! ANOTHER CHAPTER COMPLETED! One more and that's all with this storeh! Sorry it took so long to get put up, people. But was it worth it? Of course it was!!! ..................................... No seriously, was it? Let me know! Review please!! 


	3. Damn Horse

Erf... sorry it took so long to post. But this is last Chapter of Jack's Drinking Problem!! I've started "The Kidnapping of Mr. Sparrow, pt. 2" but it's not finished in comic form yet. But I found one of my drawing books and guess what?! There's another PotC comic there too! W00T! So another (short) story thing is coming up!  
  
Disclaimer: And don't forget! Even though I may not own anything of Pirates of the Caribbean (except for a poster and a dozen pictures printed off the internet) all of the other characters are mine! You hear me? MINE!!! (Ahab is kewl, I think he's my fav of my OC thnigies. :P )  
  
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5 days later...  
  
Elizabeth walked into Jack's room carrying a tray adorned with beautiful china. A small, steaming teapot and a cup on a saucer.  
  
"Jack!" She called cheerfully, "I have your tea!" She opened the door and walked in. Quickly she dropped the tray and shrieked at what she saw. "AAIIIEEEEE!!!! WILL! Come quick! I think something's wrong with Jack!"  
  
Will came running and he grabbed her shoulders causing her to look him in the eyes. "What is it my love?" he panted, fearing that something had happened to her.  
  
"I think there's something wrong with Jack." She repeated worriedly.  
  
"Why do you think that?" He was a little less alarmed now.  
  
"Because he's curled up in a fetal position on the floor, crying and sucking his thumb! He's trembling too!"  
  
Will turned and looked down at Jack. "Oh, that?" He was perfectly calm now. "He says he's going through rum withdrawal."  
  
Jack was curled up on the floor in said position. He hugged his knees to his chest and was rocking back and forth sweating with silent desperate tears running down the side of his face. He was sucking his thumb just like a nervous child would. He held a blank stare as he sat there in the corner of the dark room. "Mommy...." He whimpered pathetically.  
  
"The doctor said just to ignore him," Will explained.  
  
"Are you sure?" Elizabeth persisted.  
  
"Yes, let's go." And the two walked out.  
  
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The next day...  
  
The doctor walked briskly down the center of the room, heading to a room in the back. Her students followed her uneasily. "Today, gentlemen, is a very important day..." She stopped in the middle of the room next to a table with cloth covering something on it and turned around to face them. "Today is important because if you men pass this test, you will be almost certain to be alcohol free by the end of my class sessions." A few of the men grinned. "Even YOU Mr. Sparrow." She added.  
  
"Even you Mr. Sparrow," He mimicked her under his breath in a sour tone, and wrinkled his nose in disgust a he did so. "And it's CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow." He corrected quietly. He shoved his hands in his pockets and glared at the ground.  
  
She pulled the cloth off and a few men gasped at what they beheld. An entire pitcher of rum sat lonely on the small end table. "Each of you will have to walk past this pitcher of rum, without even looking at it, and certainly not thinking about drinking it, and you will be on your way to a better life. Mr. Johnson. You're first." She gestured towards him. Ahab gave a start and then nervously walked over.  
  
Keeping his chin up high, he thought, /I can do this! I know I can! Just don't look at it!/ he was sweating in an uneasy tolerance as a quickly strode past it.  
  
"There now, that wasn't so hard, was it?" The doctor asked him.  
  
"Heheh, no. I guess it wasn't. I'm feeling better already."  
  
"Excellent job Mr. Johnson. I'm assured that you will pass this class with flying colors." She praised him. "Rupert Vandyke? You're next."  
  
The black curly haired, sharply dressed man with the goatee walked by. /Cake!/ he thought.  
  
"Very good, Mr. Vandyke. Stephen Penucci?"  
  
A younger man with long blonde hair tied back in a ponytail came up. /Simple!/ he thought as he passed it.  
  
"Wonderful! And Mr... uhm..." She squinted at her clipboard hoping she read it wrong, but she didn't. "Uh... Mr... Sparrow, I suppose..."  
  
Jack was gaping at the men who had walked but. Bringing his vision to them, then the rum, then back at them again. /How the hell did they just walk past a pitcher of free rum?! Are they mad?!/ He thought unbelievably.  
  
The doctor turned to Jack to give him a special little, one-on-one speech. "Alright Mr. Sparrow. You have to pass this test. You walk by and you don't look at it. Don't even think about it. Do you understand? Mr. Sparrow?"  
  
"Psh...yeah, I guess." He said dismissivly. He stood up and without looking was about ready to walk past it before she stopped him.  
  
"Mr. Sparrow. You're thinking about it right now, aren't you?"  
  
"Of course not!" He hissed at her defensively. But inside his head was screaming, /Rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum.../  
  
He started to walk by it, but also kept his head up. He looked down at it out of the corner of his eye and whimpered, "Don't think about it... but it's so tempting, I want it!" He was having and inner struggle with himself. The doctor watched patiently, occasionally scribbling a few notes down in her clipboard.  
  
"Aw, Who am I kidding?!" He finally decided and spun around, his arms outstretched. "Come to Poppa!" He grabbed the pitcher and started guzzling it down.  
  
"What are you doing?! MR. SPARROW!!!" the doctor screeched, "What in HELL do you think you're doing?!" Ahab watched, his own Armageddon was raging inside him. He was biting his nails feverantly. Watching the sweet nectar dripping down Jack's face, neck and chin as he drank it frantically. He sweated in anticipation.  
  
He couldn't take it anymore and he sprinted up to Jack, his hands were extended and shaking. "Aug! That's it! Come and give us a drink, Captain Sparrow!" he stuttered.  
  
"Mr. Johnson?! What are you doing?!" The doctor was completely lost for words as her star pupil started to drink up with Jack.  
  
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That night at about 8.00 or so...  
  
Will walked up to the heavy oak door of the classroom and slowly pushed it open. The room was completely deserted save for the teacher who had her back turned to him and stood in the corner.  
  
"Hello Doctor! I'm here to pick up Jack!" He greeted cheerfully. "And um... doctor? Doctor are you ok?"  
  
She whipped around and yelled furiously, "GET OUT OF MY CLASS!!"  
  
Will ran out as fast as he could, then slowed to a walk and thought out loud. "Hm, now if Jack's not there, where could that stupid drunk have gone?" He stopped abruptly in his tracks as his mind worked. He rolled his eyes and sighed. "Duh!" He said.  
  
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Will burst in through the doors of the 'Boar's Breath Pub' and stormed over to the table that he knew Jack would be sitting at. "Jack! I thought you said you'd go to those APA meetings!" Ahab was with him and they were both drunk. Their faces were flushed and they were laughing at everything. Will put his hands on the table and stared down angrily at him.  
  
"Aye boyo," Jack agreed. "I did say that I'd go to those classes but I never said I'd quit, now did I?" He slurred.  
  
Will stared at the two awkwardly as they laughed and drank together. /So I guess what they say is true then. 'You can bring a horse to water but you can't make him drink.'/ He thought, his moods dampened somewhat. He then watched as they clinked glasses together in cheers, slopping it all over then lifted it to their mouths and drank whole-heartedly, the rest of it ran down their faces. Will had second thoughts. /Or, maybe... you CAN..../  
  
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Ta-DA!!!!! And that's the end of "Jack's Drinking Problem"!!! 2 more stories are still coming!! YAY!!! ^_^ OH! And also please review. It makes me very happy! Thank you, you all! You're beautiful! 


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